1 can Carb Clever Peaches
4 oz vodka (rum would also work)
6 ice cubes
I put it all in my magic blender and it magically makes it all better.
Or sometimes it does. Today it's helping but I turned to alcohol for the wrong reason. I choose alcohol to help me forget my problems rather than turning to someone or something that can help me work through them. Let's just say that the last 5 days have been eye opening. Last Thursday I was on the phone about my M-O-T-H-E-R 4 times with her niece. Yeah, that makes her my cousin. The calls were totally justified. My cousin is having to deal with my M-O-T-H-E-R because I am not there and she and I don't have the realtionship for me to deal with her. Things like my M-O-T-H-E-R teaching me (or trying to) how to roll a joint and smoke it, like my M-O-T-H-E-R trying to kill herself multiple times and the checks I used to recieve while my M-O-T-H-E-R was on dissability disappearing while I lived with my M-O-T-H-E-R's parents were discussed.
It resulted in a stress migraine Thursday night. Then Friday I had a migraine hangover and wasn't functioning well. Today when I logged on to facebook I had a message from my cousin. I like having her back in my life I think. It's still a new relationship and she keeps asking questions that make me deal with memories and things that are ugly that I haven't thought about in a long time. Things that she keeps asking me about. Things that I want to answer but don't want to tell her for fear it will tarnish the pedestal that she has put her grandparents on. I don't want to be the person that makes that happen. I can't be that person. I have enough guilt about other things.
Happy Saturday!
T$
PS-I know the trait for addiction runs through my blood so I'm very careful.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Stalking=Gniklats (Duh)
This is what I see if I look out my dining room window that faces the main road. That's my neighbor's dining room and the dining room window of guy that lives below my neighbor. It's creepy if we have our curtains open at the same time.
I also noticed if I lean to the right, I can see the garage of the guy that helped me shovel on New Year's Day. It's attached to his apt and sometimes he parks outside.
I never knew that I could see his garage until we started getting all this snow and I left those curtains open so I could see the main road.
Is it illegal to window stalk? Not that I am a window stalker. He’s not really my type. I tend to like guys that remind me of teddy bears rather than skinny guys from Maryland. Even if he has a big snow shovel. He couldn’t pick up the big (think 1.5 feet by 1.5 feet) chunks of snow that broke off while shoveling. I picked them up and sort of lobbed them over to the side and out of my parking spot.
Happy Sunday!
T$
PS-I haven’t heard from him since the two hour call. I can’t bring myself to go back over to his apt. I wonder if he thinks it’s my turn?I’m a Southerner. We were taught that women don’t chase men. I never heard a Southern woman say anything about not window stalking though.
Monday, February 15, 2010
stressed=desserts
So when I am stressed out the best thing I can do is bake something or cover something in chocolate. There's just something about the mindlessness of creating sweets.
That first week of the New Year was full of stress. FULL of stress. It’s always tough to leave my family and come back here to an empty apt but there were a lot of things that changed at the end of December around the office and that meant I had a lot of work to do so they right sales people got commission and blah blah blah. I was working 10 hours in the office and coming home and working 1-2 more hours. To top it off I drove home on Friday, the 1st and my M-O-T-H-E-R’s mother passed away on Sunday the 3rd. Wouldn’t you think my M-O-T-H-E-R could have called to tell me that she was at the end. If you missed those details or are in the mood for a little drama, read this.
Anyway, I’m no longer emotional eating so now when I make or bake things I have to find someone else to pawn them off on. Light bulb! Everyone needs cookies. My new neighbor friend needs cookies as a thank you for helping me shovel. So I baked snicker doodles and took them over there. He seemed happy to see me and he asked for my number. I gave him my home number. There are only 3 people that call that number: M-O-T-H-E-R, telemarketers and the call box at the front gate when you visit after the main office is closed.
Happy Monday!
T$
PS-he called and we were on the phone for about 2 hours. There wasn’t much awkward silence and I didn’t do all the talking. I didn’t ask for his number and I bet he thinks I have caller id, because who doesn’t. I don’t because there are only 3 people that call that number.
That first week of the New Year was full of stress. FULL of stress. It’s always tough to leave my family and come back here to an empty apt but there were a lot of things that changed at the end of December around the office and that meant I had a lot of work to do so they right sales people got commission and blah blah blah. I was working 10 hours in the office and coming home and working 1-2 more hours. To top it off I drove home on Friday, the 1st and my M-O-T-H-E-R’s mother passed away on Sunday the 3rd. Wouldn’t you think my M-O-T-H-E-R could have called to tell me that she was at the end. If you missed those details or are in the mood for a little drama, read this.
Anyway, I’m no longer emotional eating so now when I make or bake things I have to find someone else to pawn them off on. Light bulb! Everyone needs cookies. My new neighbor friend needs cookies as a thank you for helping me shovel. So I baked snicker doodles and took them over there. He seemed happy to see me and he asked for my number. I gave him my home number. There are only 3 people that call that number: M-O-T-H-E-R, telemarketers and the call box at the front gate when you visit after the main office is closed.
Happy Monday!
T$
PS-he called and we were on the phone for about 2 hours. There wasn’t much awkward silence and I didn’t do all the talking. I didn’t ask for his number and I bet he thinks I have caller id, because who doesn’t. I don’t because there are only 3 people that call that number.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Happy New Year
I always go home for Christmas but this year I left early. On the day the December 2009 snow storm hit Virginia and I arrived back here on 1/1/2010 to this:
I called the office but they were closed. I called the emergency maintenance number because clearly this was an emergency. The woman that answered advised me that maintenance would not be called as this was not an emergency merely an inconvenience and I should park in a visitor spot. I kindly advised her that there were no visitor spots available or I would have parked in a visitor spot rather than calling the emergency number.
If you’ve seen my apt you know that I pay way too much to live in a gated community and have an assigned parking spot for this to not be considered an emergency. The back of Atilla (the Hyundai) was full of stuff I got for Christmas and the necessities I had packed for my trip to Knoxville. When I told the emergency maintenance line lady about that she advised me to figure something out.
Clearly that did not go over well.
I parked in a neighbor’s spot long enough to carry my things upstairs and to retrieve my snow shovel. I left my car parked in my neighbor’s spot and I began to shovel. While I was shoveling this random guy walked by and offered to help. He went and got his snow shovel and water hose. Most of the snow piled in the picture above was really ice. So we ran water over the pile for a while and then we began to shovel and talk. You know me. I talk. A lot. Sometimes. What I don’t like is awkward silence. So I fill that awkward silence with awkward conversation.
After the shoveling was done I told him I felt like I owed him coffee but I don’t really drink coffee. He laughed and said he didn’t either. I thanked him repeatedly, because that is something else I generally do, and after we told each other which apts we live in we each went home. Thus the window stalking began because I am a girl and that is what we do. We obsess over men that we know are not good for us and men we know aren't worthy of us because society tells us that to be normal (and everyone knows I need to be normal) I have get married or start adpoting cats. It's too expensive to have pets in my building so getting married it is.
I called the office but they were closed. I called the emergency maintenance number because clearly this was an emergency. The woman that answered advised me that maintenance would not be called as this was not an emergency merely an inconvenience and I should park in a visitor spot. I kindly advised her that there were no visitor spots available or I would have parked in a visitor spot rather than calling the emergency number.
If you’ve seen my apt you know that I pay way too much to live in a gated community and have an assigned parking spot for this to not be considered an emergency. The back of Atilla (the Hyundai) was full of stuff I got for Christmas and the necessities I had packed for my trip to Knoxville. When I told the emergency maintenance line lady about that she advised me to figure something out.
Clearly that did not go over well.
I parked in a neighbor’s spot long enough to carry my things upstairs and to retrieve my snow shovel. I left my car parked in my neighbor’s spot and I began to shovel. While I was shoveling this random guy walked by and offered to help. He went and got his snow shovel and water hose. Most of the snow piled in the picture above was really ice. So we ran water over the pile for a while and then we began to shovel and talk. You know me. I talk. A lot. Sometimes. What I don’t like is awkward silence. So I fill that awkward silence with awkward conversation.
After the shoveling was done I told him I felt like I owed him coffee but I don’t really drink coffee. He laughed and said he didn’t either. I thanked him repeatedly, because that is something else I generally do, and after we told each other which apts we live in we each went home. Thus the window stalking began because I am a girl and that is what we do. We obsess over men that we know are not good for us and men we know aren't worthy of us because society tells us that to be normal (and everyone knows I need to be normal) I have get married or start adpoting cats. It's too expensive to have pets in my building so getting married it is.
Happy Thursday!
T$
PS-my M-O-T-H-E-R's father died early this morning. More on that later. It's still too new to talk about.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Things to do in a snowstorm
1. Shovel
2. Eat (cookies, lasagna, soup, ice cream, nachos, or whatever makes you a little less ready to kill the next person that piles their snow in your clean parking spot)
3. Watch your favorite TV shows news reporter talk about the weather and the road conditions
4. Laundry, but make sure your dryer vent is clear of snow or you could start a house fire
5. Read (I have a pile of books waiting to be read: Good is not Enough by Keith Wyche, The Ten Day MBA, The GRITS Guide to Life, Bad Girls of the Bible, Leading from the Inside Out and Be Heard the First Time)
6. Take something for the achy muscles shoveling caused
7. Organize my kitchen cabinets
8. Try on everything in your closet and get rid of things that you haven’t put on in a year and things that clearly do not fit
9. Organize photos
10. Watch the heavy equipment move snow
11. Take pictures of a bird having lunch
2. Eat (cookies, lasagna, soup, ice cream, nachos, or whatever makes you a little less ready to kill the next person that piles their snow in your clean parking spot)
3. Watch your favorite TV shows news reporter talk about the weather and the road conditions
4. Laundry, but make sure your dryer vent is clear of snow or you could start a house fire
5. Read (I have a pile of books waiting to be read: Good is not Enough by Keith Wyche, The Ten Day MBA, The GRITS Guide to Life, Bad Girls of the Bible, Leading from the Inside Out and Be Heard the First Time)
6. Take something for the achy muscles shoveling caused
7. Organize my kitchen cabinets
8. Try on everything in your closet and get rid of things that you haven’t put on in a year and things that clearly do not fit
9. Organize photos
10. Watch the heavy equipment move snow
11. Take pictures of a bird having lunch
12. Window stalk your neighbor
13. Rinse, lather and repeat
Happy Wednesday!
T$
PS- this window stalking comes in many forms. More on that later.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a log
Me: Pete fell off. Who's left?
You: Repeat.
Me: Pete and Repeat were sitting on a log. Pete fell off. Who's left?
You: ok this is stupid.
Me: Yeah, you're right. But there' s a point to this stupid joke. Keep reading.
If you’ve seen my resume you know that I have a lot of experience doing a lot of stuff: from case management to international missionary to public health to instructional design to fulfillment specialist to international missionary.
You: Case management is familiar. Not in a I've had one kind of way but as in I've seen them listed in the jobs section of the paper. Missionary that's familiar too but maybe I shouldn't say why. People are reading this and you try to keep it PG-13. I'm drawing a blank at instructional design and fulfilment specialist. What do those titles mean exactly?
Me: That's not the point. The point is that about 4 months ago my title was instructional design consultant. Then both of our production people were fired. In an effort to help out and to make sure that I had some job security, I volunteered to learn our fulfillment process. Thus far it’s involved me making sure that materials are delivered to classes and making sure that we have stock in the warehouse that needs to be shipped to classes or that is used in the creation of the materials that are shipped to classes. It earned me a $500.00 bonus so I suppose it’s been a positive thing. It’s also a little more experience to add to my resume.
You: Ok, but are you happy?
Me (tires screech to now): I may have an opportunity to move to Guatemala. The work would be very similar to the work I did in Venezuela (enter Pete and Repeat). But it’s different in that this is an established project. But let’s not get bogged down in those details just yet. I’d much rather be bogged down in other details. Details like: Am I willing to give up my job and move out of the country AGAIN? Living in another country was fun and hard and extremely fulfilling. It was tough because I was away from my family. It might be a little easier this time since dad’s gone but I am not sure about that.
It’s just as hard to think about leaving of Guatemala after that job ends for whatever reason. That was the hardest part of coming home from Venezuela. It was hard to leave and hard to fit back in here. It wasn’t just hard to find a new job it was hard to figure out how I fit with my family and my friends. It was awkward and trying and sometimes I feel like I still don’t fit. Even more now that dad is gone.
I’m afraid. I don’t know that I’ve ever really admitted that to anyone. I’m afraid that the little corner of normalcy that I have will completely go away. I’m selfish. I have stuff that I don’t want to leave here packed up in storage or to be sold to strangers. I want to have a normal life and get married and have a child. Honestly I know that I can do that anywhere and that if it’s meant to happen and my Mr. Right lives here then he’ll magically appear in Guatemala as one of the team members. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision.
Happy Snow Day Friday!
T$
PS—Is it ever really the wrong decision to be a servant? And that whole admission that I'd like to have a child? That changes on a daily basis. You've read the stories about my M-O-T-H-E-R, right?
You: Repeat.
Me: Pete and Repeat were sitting on a log. Pete fell off. Who's left?
You: ok this is stupid.
Me: Yeah, you're right. But there' s a point to this stupid joke. Keep reading.
If you’ve seen my resume you know that I have a lot of experience doing a lot of stuff: from case management to international missionary to public health to instructional design to fulfillment specialist to international missionary.
You: Case management is familiar. Not in a I've had one kind of way but as in I've seen them listed in the jobs section of the paper. Missionary that's familiar too but maybe I shouldn't say why. People are reading this and you try to keep it PG-13. I'm drawing a blank at instructional design and fulfilment specialist. What do those titles mean exactly?
Me: That's not the point. The point is that about 4 months ago my title was instructional design consultant. Then both of our production people were fired. In an effort to help out and to make sure that I had some job security, I volunteered to learn our fulfillment process. Thus far it’s involved me making sure that materials are delivered to classes and making sure that we have stock in the warehouse that needs to be shipped to classes or that is used in the creation of the materials that are shipped to classes. It earned me a $500.00 bonus so I suppose it’s been a positive thing. It’s also a little more experience to add to my resume.
You: Ok, but are you happy?
Me (tires screech to now): I may have an opportunity to move to Guatemala. The work would be very similar to the work I did in Venezuela (enter Pete and Repeat). But it’s different in that this is an established project. But let’s not get bogged down in those details just yet. I’d much rather be bogged down in other details. Details like: Am I willing to give up my job and move out of the country AGAIN? Living in another country was fun and hard and extremely fulfilling. It was tough because I was away from my family. It might be a little easier this time since dad’s gone but I am not sure about that.
It’s just as hard to think about leaving of Guatemala after that job ends for whatever reason. That was the hardest part of coming home from Venezuela. It was hard to leave and hard to fit back in here. It wasn’t just hard to find a new job it was hard to figure out how I fit with my family and my friends. It was awkward and trying and sometimes I feel like I still don’t fit. Even more now that dad is gone.
I’m afraid. I don’t know that I’ve ever really admitted that to anyone. I’m afraid that the little corner of normalcy that I have will completely go away. I’m selfish. I have stuff that I don’t want to leave here packed up in storage or to be sold to strangers. I want to have a normal life and get married and have a child. Honestly I know that I can do that anywhere and that if it’s meant to happen and my Mr. Right lives here then he’ll magically appear in Guatemala as one of the team members. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision.
Happy Snow Day Friday!
T$
PS—Is it ever really the wrong decision to be a servant? And that whole admission that I'd like to have a child? That changes on a daily basis. You've read the stories about my M-O-T-H-E-R, right?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Confessions of a television addict
It’s rare for a new season of television to start and me not to have a MUST WATCH this season show. Don’t get me wrong there are shows that I have to watch season after season because I fell in love with it the first season and no matter how painful it gets I have to keep watching. Just to name a few of my current shows: The Closer, Grey’s Anatomy, Make it or Break it, Glee, House, Army Wives and that other one I can’t remember the name of that’s on TNT. Needless to say my DVDR helps with the habit.
I happen to be watching the season finale of Dawson’s Creek. I LOVE then ending. I not only own the season finale, I own every single episode that was ever sold on DVD. When it was on regular television, the only episodes I missed were the ones that aired while I was at church or when I was living in Venezuela. I didn’t miss many while I lived in Venezuela I just had to get up at 3:00 am to watch it. I never set an alarm but I usually had no trouble waking up.
For me, it’s the ability to leave behind all my cares and troubles for an hour and live vicariously thr It’s rare for a new season of television to start and me not to have a MUST WATCH this season show. Don’t get me wrong there are shows that I have to watch season after season because I fell in love with it the first season and no matter how painful it gets I have to keep watching. Just to name a few of my current shows: The Closer, Grey’s Anatomy, Make it or Break it, Glee, House, Army Wives and that other one I can’t remember the name of that’s on TNT. Needless to say my DVR helps with the habit.
I happen to be watching the season finale of Dawson’s Creek. Mind you I not only own the season finale, I own every single episode that was ever sold on DVD. When it was on regular television, the only episodes I missed were the ones that aired while I was at church or when I was living in Venezuela. I didn’t miss many while I lived in Venezuela I just had to get up at 3:00 am to watch it. I never set an alarm but I usually had no trouble waking up.
For me, it’s the ability to leave behind all my cares and troubles for an hour and live vicariously through the characters on the big screen. I think it’s about identifying with a character and hoping that character doesn’t make the same mistakes I do or I did. It’s also about the anticipation of being left to wonder until the next episode and then seeing if my speculation was right or not. It’s about focusing on other people’s troubles and anxieties and feeling a little more normal because peopleonTVonlyhavenormalproblems and iftheyhavethesameproblemIdo then Ihavetobenormal, right? It’s also about my problems feeling much smaller than other people’s problems. It’s not like I have a small child and a heart condition or the opportunity to move to another country and do something that I love. Oh, wait. One of those things is a possibility. Dun du dunnnnnnn. Tune in next time to see how this cliff hanger ends.
Happy Wednesday (it's a sick day and there was a doctor apt-1 wasted co-pay)!
T$
PS-I suppose I could call myself a television aficionado if I wanted to sugar coat it but admitting addiction is the first step (or that’s what I hear). Here’s to getting over my need for television. I’m not real hopeful but here's to a new season of trying.
I happen to be watching the season finale of Dawson’s Creek. I LOVE then ending. I not only own the season finale, I own every single episode that was ever sold on DVD. When it was on regular television, the only episodes I missed were the ones that aired while I was at church or when I was living in Venezuela. I didn’t miss many while I lived in Venezuela I just had to get up at 3:00 am to watch it. I never set an alarm but I usually had no trouble waking up.
For me, it’s the ability to leave behind all my cares and troubles for an hour and live vicariously thr It’s rare for a new season of television to start and me not to have a MUST WATCH this season show. Don’t get me wrong there are shows that I have to watch season after season because I fell in love with it the first season and no matter how painful it gets I have to keep watching. Just to name a few of my current shows: The Closer, Grey’s Anatomy, Make it or Break it, Glee, House, Army Wives and that other one I can’t remember the name of that’s on TNT. Needless to say my DVR helps with the habit.
I happen to be watching the season finale of Dawson’s Creek. Mind you I not only own the season finale, I own every single episode that was ever sold on DVD. When it was on regular television, the only episodes I missed were the ones that aired while I was at church or when I was living in Venezuela. I didn’t miss many while I lived in Venezuela I just had to get up at 3:00 am to watch it. I never set an alarm but I usually had no trouble waking up.
For me, it’s the ability to leave behind all my cares and troubles for an hour and live vicariously through the characters on the big screen. I think it’s about identifying with a character and hoping that character doesn’t make the same mistakes I do or I did. It’s also about the anticipation of being left to wonder until the next episode and then seeing if my speculation was right or not. It’s about focusing on other people’s troubles and anxieties and feeling a little more normal because peopleonTVonlyhavenormalproblems and iftheyhavethesameproblemIdo then Ihavetobenormal, right? It’s also about my problems feeling much smaller than other people’s problems. It’s not like I have a small child and a heart condition or the opportunity to move to another country and do something that I love. Oh, wait. One of those things is a possibility. Dun du dunnnnnnn. Tune in next time to see how this cliff hanger ends.
Happy Wednesday (it's a sick day and there was a doctor apt-1 wasted co-pay)!
T$
PS-I suppose I could call myself a television aficionado if I wanted to sugar coat it but admitting addiction is the first step (or that’s what I hear). Here’s to getting over my need for television. I’m not real hopeful but here's to a new season of trying.
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